Monday, December 6, 2010

Photo blog without photos, is Brian ADD or???

Stop the presses! I know, I know, it's not right. I mean, what kind of photographer would have a photo blog that exists solely to promote his business and this fool not only doesn't post a photo but he also won't write about how much he loves to do his work. Nor expresses to the world how grateful he is to God that he has been blessed with talents that are so grand and span the hemisphere of arts and music. No, I wouldn't force you, the 26 readers that will eventually read this screen to know that I'm looking for weddings to book this next year so if you know anyone, send them to me and I'll make it worth your while or that I've yet to be announced formally as the best photographer you've never heard of in Indy.

The answer to the title very well could be, - Possibly, very much I think so but I don't have the patience or the health care to take the tests.

Which I know is really not a great read in and of itself, but I'm compelled to publicly journal these thoughts as I don't want to just think about this in my personal journal and perhaps give folks insight into what it's like. Chances are really good that I won't even get this written tonight. Why? well it's 10:47 pm on a Monday night for one, 2nd of all is that it's really hard to get all that I'm thinking down now and lastly, I'll probably get distracted.

Why, I ask do I want to "out" myself as a person with ADD, I mean, I can spell and I am pretty good at simple arithmetic so why say you have a problem with grammar and math? Now I know that sentence will be a little cryptic, but bear with me because it's part of the joy and part of the pain of having Attention Deficit Disorder.

Let's face it, I'm a creative guy. I mean, that's my job. I naturally am and thankfully, I'm not only creative, but I'm good enough that I can make enough to pay my rent. I naturally think outside the dots. I look at words, spellings, letters and come up with "derivatives" for the literal so, for example, ADD to me means the neurological disorder, but I also thought it humorous to play with ADD as in it also is basic math and that if you took the sentence gramatically and not literally it wouldn't make sense and this probably even is perplexing to most people so I won't dig any deeper. But here's another example and because of this example you'll get a photo because I'm pretty proud of this creation I made on Saturday.

I was invited to Tara and Travis Carie's home for their annual wreath building party. Travis' sister and I went and I thought earlier in the day that I really wanted a tree, not a wreath and that I really really wanted a Charlie Brown style Christmas Tree, so I went to the Carie's party with the sole intent to not build a wreath, but to create a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. No one else had ever made one there before, thought of it, or even conceived it possible. Thanks to Travis' awesome garagemahal with every tool known to man, it was so simple and such a joy to create that it made everyone smile and each morning when I wake up and look at it, I feel the same way. So, that's a little bit of pride and joy.

Now here's a little shame and embarrassment. I get overwhelmed. I lose focus, forget and pile up things. Some piles are literal, some are metaphorical, both weigh a ton and smell if left for a long time. There's been things I've messed up professionally that had I been on top of "it", would have garnered me acclaim, promotion and success that I long for. But somehow, some way, I've managed to mess up enough to do everything short of give me a bad name. I'm cognizant of these things and each week I'm alive and still in business, push myself to gain a hold of things so I don't repeat my past blunders. An example, just so you know potential bride, if you're reading this, I have instituted and succeeded in getting my wedding photos up and processed AND have an album design made for proofing before the honeymoon is even over. And that's huge for me. And for events I shoot, they get done faster than anyone else in the city, and portraits... the same. So my workflow is generally sound, fast and efficient. I want to make this clear as I'd be in grave danger of making it sound like I'm not responsible or that my character is not something I take serious. It is, it is. But I struggle with the minutiae. Currently, there's a couple projects that are killing me. One is that my computer got a virus, I had to wipe it, reload all my software and while all the images I've taken are safe, all my edits in Lightroom are most likely erased. Which translates to hundreds of hours of editing lost. I've got a couple cards to design and while that sounds pretty simple, and it is, something happens in me and I feel an unnatural block causing resistance towards forward movement and success. The biggest current foible is my church's directory which I had the pleasure of creating has been done for months and months. Well, almost done, and so I finally got it done and now I've got the edits and once again, I'm stymied. Why? I have no idea.

The impetus for this post was a show on PBS I saw tonight called I've got ADD and it's Fun. It was brilliant, insightful and thankfully humorous. But it made me think as they progressed through the show how much different my life would be if I had a better handle on this issue.

So here it is, March 28, 2011. Months have passed and a good bit of growth has occurred. I still and will continue to struggle with this, but I fight weekly, daily and hourly sometimes to stay focused and if I can't do anything else, I either pray or go to bed, sometimes both!

Last night, I just went to bed at 9:30! Not that I don't have things to do. I just couldn't do them. AKA taxes.... OH yes, the taxes toy. It isn't one that I want in my toybox, nor is it one that will just disappear. So, rather than deal with it last night, I went to bed! Yep, welcome to my world.... Now this could be diagnosed as depression, or procrastination, irresponsibility, or general immaturity, but all of these things are symptomatic sadly of the great symptom. Unfortunately shame adds to the pain, guilt and other feelings of inadequacy and it is those things that stymie, handicap and cripple the suffers of this.

So I guess that's really all this post is/was written for. A voice of just one that I'm certain many can identify with.


Anonymous said...

There is no such thing as add. It is simply societies feable minded attempt at labeling anything or anyone who chooses to be different. lol

Brian Diehl said...

I'm not looking to blame society that I have struggles. Let's face it, getting things done is just a simple fact of life. Call it a label, but for me, it's a problem. Some people will have an opinion, much like climate change, evolution, or life after death are hocus pocus. This is clearly not as huge in a macro scale, but in the micro, I don't like being this way. That's the bottom line. So, possibly you enjoy it, I don't.

Anonymous said...

I think that was very well written and will give people who struggle with ADD (which there are people who do)hope and a feeling of not being alone. It's a shame that someone would actually say that it's a labeling, is depression just a label? I see the lol at the end of that comment so I wonder, is this person serious? Or poking fun at a very REAL issue?

Who's this Brian guy?

My photo
I'm one of the few people from Wyoming in the midwest. Born and bred, by default I'm a cowboy, through life though I guess I've kept the wanderlust and taken it urban. Having lived in 11 states now, I feel safe to say that I've found home in Indy. I'd never have dreamed I'd live here but 5 years later, I have no complaints! I've been a "lifestyle" photographer for quite a while. Cutting my teeth in landscape photography and photojournalism out West I've developed a style that focuses on simplicity, beauty and life lived well.